Cannibals: Today In Republican Presidential Candidates, Updated

Keeping Up To Date On The Field of Republican Presidential Candidates

Update: Republican Presidential Candidates September 26th, 2011

Holy pollutants! New Jersey governor Chris Christie is rumored to be ready to backdoor it into the Republican presidential candidate field. They are having trouble deciding whether he is the Anti-Romney, Anti-Perry or the Anti-Weight Watchers candidate. Christie still denies being a a closet candidate, but rumors abound. In an observation that may be good for Romney in places where no one travels and thinks New Jersey is somewhere in upstate New York, all green and hilly and nice, a Republican operative who requested anonymity reacted, ‘But he’s soooo New Jersey!’ This would not be considered good in any location that borders the state.

Texas governor Rick Perry, flexing his muscles as the next possible chief executive from that state with a knack for words, highlighted the latest in the series of 307 Republican presidential candidates debates with this:

“Well, obviously, before you ever get to that point, you have to build a relationship in that region. And that’s one of the things that this administration has not done. Just yesterday we found out through Admiral Mullen that Haqqani has been involved with — and that’s the terrorist group directly associated with the Pakistani country — so to have a relationship with India, to make sure that India knows that they are an ally of the United States.”

Oh, yeah, you may say, but he proved he was no slouch by hitting Mitt Romney with this:

“I think Americans just don’t know sometimes which Mitt Romney they’re dealing with. Is it the Mitt Romney that was on the side of — against the Second Amendment before he was for the Second Amendment? Was it — was before — he was before the social programs from the standpoint of — he was for standing up for Roe versus Wade before he was against first — Roe versus Wade? Him — he was for Race to the Top. He’s for Obamacare and now he’s against it. I mean, we’ll wait until tomorrow and — and — and see which Mitt Romney we’re really talking to tonight.’

Romney, for his part, denied knowingly driving to Canada for a family vacation with their dog lashed to the roof of his car.

It wasn’t the cat, was it, Mitt?

Sadly, having lost her privilege of commenting on medical matters she knows nothing about and condemned for being dangerous by recognized medical experts (Not for that! For the vaccine thing.), Michele Bachmann also seems to have lost her funding chops. Like, nobody wants to give her any, fearing apparently that she might use it.

With President Obama craftily trying to look like a Democrat, the Republican field remains swollen with candidates, top heavy really if you include Chris Christie. Heading into the home stretch, the clear favorites are moving away from the pack. The military-industrial complex, the Pea Party, unemployment seem guaranteed a powerful place in any future Republican administration. Yes, including Obama’s pretend one.

Update: Republican Presidential Candidates September 9th, 2011

”9/14/2011 Stepping aside for at moment to let Thomas L. Friedman take the floor: Is It Weird Enough Yet?

In a shocking move while addressing both houses of congress, President Obama proposed a jobs program so bland that other Republcans hardly knew where to start in not being offended. Except Michele Bachmann, of course, who launched a fierce rebuttal in which she advocated something that sounde awfully Sixies-ish, like anarchy.

Stick out their necks a little, flummoxed Republicans referred to the proposals as ‘Democratic’ and ‘almost liberal,’ but no one went so far as to call them socialist. Yet. Even so, the move to create more jobs for hard up Americans will not sit well with Tea Party loyalists who dislike the unemployed because, according to a spokesman, ‘They are not working.

With deft intuition, Rick Perry stepped back from exposing Ponzi schemes for one day to say that he could create more jobs with one hand tied behind his back than Obama could with all his fancy, shmancy rhetoric. ‘Americans want action. Oh, and jobs too, but action first, or it might get pretty ugly in Texas.’

Only the night before, taking on all challengers, including new look Mitt Romney (look at the hair, look at the hair!), by denouncing Social Security, Environmental Regulations and ‘faucets where hot and cold use one handle and are not seperate.’ Cooling only slightly, he added that plumbers who installed them might be ‘pretty ugly, but not quite treasonous.’

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney, ‘happy as Vermont maple syrup’ to find at least two people now in the race nuttier than himself, asserted that he opposed universal healthcare anywhere but in Massachusetts, where he installed it. He called it ‘socialism, but not treason.’

Jon (What’s he running for, Secretary of State?) Huntsman committed the unpardonalbe political blunder of sounding reasonable and mostly sane. In a carefully phrased debate point, he said that Mitt Romney was a ‘screwball’ for trying to start a war with China, although ‘not treasonous,’ even if we are running out of things for the boys in the CIA and Pentagon to do, resulting in a lot of uncalled for money laying around.

Huntsman also said he ‘believed in evolution,’ mistaking a robust theory for a funky religion. He also added with a chuckle that, unlike Mitt Romney, he had never driven to Canada with his dog strapped to the roof of his car and, unlike Rick Perry, he’d never gone out on a job with high caliber pistol in one hand and a leash in the other that was used to drag his happless puppy along for a rescue stunt.

Update: Republican Presidential Candidates: September 2nd, 2011

Not to be outdone in a tightening race, following the entry of wild and crazy Texas governor, Rick Perry, Barrack Obama, the first black Republican president, has made a significant statement in out-Bushing the much loved former president, George W. Bush. In an act of courage and imagination, Obama rejected the recommendations of his own Environmental Protection Agency for newer tighter regulations that would demand better air quality for all citizens. Referring to the regulations as ‘socialistic,’ Obama made it clear that he was not what other republicans were referring to as an ‘environmentalist’ or a ‘liberal.’

‘Liberals,’ Obama noted, ‘have let job killing socialist rules kill job creation in a misguided attempt to (smirking) ‘save the planet.”

The ultra liberal New York Times has taken Texas governor, Rick Perry, to task for publishing numerous statements in his lunatic book, Fed Up!: Our Fight to Save America from Washington, about the national capital where he soon hopes to go to work, that verge on dishonesty or worse.

While conceding that calling Social Security a ‘Ponzi scheme’ might qualify Governor Perry as a ‘crazy person’ or, perhaps, one simply unable to accept reality as it is, Perry’s aides insist that he is not dangerous. They declined to extend that claim to a possible period as President of the United States.

Historians have noted the a possible President Perry would not be the first crazy one (think Richard Nixon) or the first without a rational contact with reality (think Ronald Reagan), but he might be the first to actually be proud of his disassociated personality.

President Speak of the House Boehner slapped down tittering on the edge President Obama’s bold effort to address both houses of congress while the other Republican presidential candidates were holding one of 703 scheduled debates only fourteen short, critical months before the election. The planned address was intended to be about jobs, which Boehner huffed ‘can wait one day, for heavens sake. How often do Republicans have a free ride to promote their agendas on national television?’

Quick to recognize a misstep he attributed to ‘a staff scheduling mishap,’ nearly former President Obama quickly backtracked, noting that, ‘If I can crush critical environmental regulations to keep up with the other Republican candidates, I can wait one more day to blow smoke about jobs. No pun intended.’

According to leaks from well-placed sources, Obama also promised to make amends to the other Republican presidential candidates by devoting an entire afternoon to applying oil to the persistently tanned President Speaker of the House Boehner in the massage room of the golf course of his choice.


Here we are, only fifteen months from the 2012 presidential election, and the field of Republican Presidential Candidates has whittled down to only 73 serious contenders.

Following last week’s presidential debate in Iowa, better known as the Polite Massacre of Political Cannibals, the Republican presidential candidates still standing made real efforts to step out from the crowd.

Most notable, Tim Pawlenty dropped out. Still dripping wet from a dowsing by fellow Minnesotan, Michelle Bachman (not related to Randy of the Guess Who), Pawlenty succumbed to common sense, conceding that he lacked the blood lust, passion and narcissism to stay in the race and beg for buckets of money from PACs and lobbyists.

In a rare moment of real candor, Pawlenty confessed that, not only could he not remember his political positions, he was no longer sure he had any.

Still proud for inexplicable reasons to be first black Republican President, Barrack Obama tore off his Hawaiian shirt and speedo and rushed back to Washington to deal with Hurricane Irene. Aids insisted that he put other clothing on before exiting Air Force One in the capital.

‘We’re ready, Irene,’ President Obama declared. ‘Big Mama, bring it on!’

Obama, then, initiated a chant of ‘No rain! No rain!’

His reluctant wife dropped a carrot on which she was munching to join in. Alongside her were Woodstock stalwarts Wavy Gravy, Country Joe McDonald, John Sebastian and full color posters of Janis and Jimi, who Obama coolly referred to as ‘J and J, my favorite duo.’

Among Republican presidential candidates assumed to be front runners, Texas Governor Rick Perry followed up his post-Iowa announcement of his candidacy by coming straight to New York City to ‘Take on Irene.’

‘Don’t mess with Texas,’ Perry growled at a threatening sky, standing in front of the Museum of Natural History and secured against gale force winds by a chain borrowed from the Texas penal system. Then, he reminded reporters that climatologists claiming that global warming was caused or by human activity or that it existed at all were generally on the take, ‘cooking the books for grant money.’

‘Why, it isn’t even warm here. You should see Houston in August.’

When asked by a child in the risk-taking crowd of 17 onlookers, two of them street people with plastic bags full of cans, ‘What about evolution? Do you believe in it?’

‘Evolution is just a theory,’ Governor Perry cooed. ‘It has gaps. Now, you take God. He wrote a Bible full of facts, plain and simple. Why the eggheads needed some theory when it was already all explained is something I don’t understand.’

Not to be outdone among other top contenders among the Republican presidential candidates, Mitt Romney responded to Governor Perry’s statements by firmly asserting, ‘I don’t know about this warming theory. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. Earth, I mean. You can’t blame our ancestors for giving us a good standard of living. If things warmed up a little, and believe me I’m not saying they did, it wasn’t anyone’s fault.

‘I mean that,’ he said sincerely.

Michelle Bachman, no longer suffering a migraine but ‘a little woozy,’ an aid said, from psychotropic drugs, limited her comments to condemning President Obama. ‘Obama’s policies seem to be designed to cool off the economy. Look, it was booming under Bush Two, the economy, I mean. Families were getting tax refunds, and we were winning war. If Obama paid more attention to the economy,’ she said, ‘it would be warm, not the Earth he’s so worried about.’

‘Oh, and don’t tell me he’s one of the Republican presidential candidates,’ she added. ‘Tell the Democrats they can keep him, if you can find one who isn’t hiding somewhere or pretending they’re not, excuse my language, a liberal.

Newt Gingrich, once again denying that he was named ‘Newt’ because his mother really wanted a salamander, tore into the indifference of the ‘Godless campaign of Nobody for President. Nobody makes more chameleon-like changes than I do, and Nobody will keep fewer.’

After consulting with the only aid who has not left his campaign, actually his wife, Gingrich withdrew the last sentence, under the odd impression that he could.

This news brief on the Republican presidential candidates is brought to you exclusively by the Pat Paulsen for President Committee.

See also:

Republican Cannibals 2012

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