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Don't

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Don’t is such a simple, easy to apply modifier for our lives. Do encompasses everything; so, don’t is left to get all the work done. If we get don’t sorted out properly, the rest of living is a piece of cake, a lighthearted romp through correctness

Other irritating articles:

  • Change Your, Change Your Life
  • Television, An American Addiction
  • Stuck In An Elevator With Jesus

This truth is so simple, yet incredibly valuable, I’ve decided to provide a list of don’t as a public service. My promise is that, if you master this list, your life will overflow in a gentle glide of social riches.

You won’t need the “law of attraction.” This will do it.

  • Don’t go there. Face it, we all know what the limits are. Stay inside the boundaries and live in joy.
  • Don’t piss off the king. The king is a prick. We all know that, too. His flunkies have nightsticks and write gossip columns.
  • Don’t get involved in politics. This includes the most grievous waste of time known to humanity, voting. Nobody really counts ‘em. The results are all known in advance. You didn’t think an honest vote by people, most of whom have at least half a brain, would elect those guys, did you?
  • Don’t sleep on the subway, darling. Unless you’re one of those people who like to talk really loud in public, especially on uninteresting topics. In that case, please sleep.
  • Don’t go to work on time. After a very short period, the bastards get to expect it. Then, what are you going to do?
  • Don’t get out of bed on time. (See above.)
  • Don’t let your conscience be your guide. Consciences were not devised to facilitate fun. Next thing you know, you’ll be telling your lover/spouse/significant other the truth, and you’ll have to give a lot of money back. This will ruin your relationships in the former, and set off a chain reaction among your friends in the latter.
  • Don’t set foot inside a church, synagogue or other religious edifice. Once there, these other rules will be hard to follow.
  • Don’t pay all your taxes. This one’s so obvious and routinely followed anyway, I almost skipped it.
  • Don’t respect the rights of others. It’s just one of those rules the powerful make to keep the less powerful in line. Rights are made to be broken, as they say.
  • Don’t complain about the weather. If you’re looking to confirm the despairing knowledge that God doesn’t listen and you are totally on your own, this is how you do it. So, don’t. Skip happily among your illusions.
  • Don’t read the books of serious writers or of anyone who includes his or her middle name on the binding. Others will begin expecting you to know and, god forbid, do better. You don’t want that, do you?
  • Don’t be honest with yourself, unless you like to sigh or say, “Ugh,” a lot.
  • For that matter, don’t even know thyself. It just makes everything harder.
  • Don’t allow yourself to be x-rayed under any circumstances. You don’t even know what they put in those things, but it’s clear that they set your genes dancing like the Jewish men in “Fiddler On The Roof” when Tevya announces his daughter is marrying the butcher.
  • Don’t allow your daughter to marry the butcher. You’ll be in danger of dancing like that. With other men. (If you’re a woman, you can do anything you want.)
  • Don’t go to college. If you already went, it’s too late, and you already know the truth. College is an expensive vacation from reality, with no other appreciable benefit, and you have to pay for it. In certain cases, your parents are just trying to get you out of the house.
  • Don’t sing along with the radio in your car. Especially, if you’re alone. And don’t kid yourself. Everyone knows what you’re doing, and it makes other drivers uncomfortable and giddy.
  • Don’t kid yourself. You probably don’t have the sense of humor for it.
  • Don’t turn off the television when you leave the room. You’ll just have to snap it back on again when you return with your snacks.
  • Don’t play by the rules, unless someone really big or nasty is watching. Otherwise, no point in it.
  • Don’t waste a lot of time exercising. You will die anyway, and there are all those gym fees. There’s usually something good on television, anyway.
  • Don’t stick to a healthy diet. Goats eat anything, and you haven’t seen a sick goat, have you? All those annoying scientific studies are just out there because there isn’t enough war to keep all the scientists busy. Idle minds come up with strange idea. Trans-fats, for example. We didn’t even have them until recently.
  • Don’t ask.
  • Don’t tell.

It’s all up to you. Oh, and don’t buy this cool hoodie that was designed to celebrate your don’t commitment.

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David Stone, Writer

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General Contributor
Janice is a writer from Chicago, IL. She created the "simple living as told by me" newsletter with more than 12,000 subscribers about Living Better and is a founder of Seekyt.

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