How to get sick without choking yourself
I do not condone the methods detailed below, it can be very dangerous making yourself sick, and not at all recommended, if you’re getting sick in order to avoid something the best approach is almost always honesty, tell the truth to your boss, parents or school teachers, often the problem isn’t as bad as you’ve made yourself think in your head.
It’s also worth remembering that acting sick is a far better idea than actually making yourself sick, pretending to be ill has far less health implications thn actually becoming ill.
Anyway, that’s the disclaimer out of the way, let’s have a look at some of the options people commonly use to get sick, just to reiterated these are not good for your health, you have been warned – this is how to make yourself sick.
5 ways to make yourself sick
Don’t sleep, stay up all night
Probably one of the simplest methods, just stay awake all night, this is useful as your body will naturally look run down, the dark rings under your eyes and puffy skin is likely to lead to many people saying how terrible you look. You will genuinely feel awful too, the body needs between 5-9 hours sleep to rest and recuperate, it’s likely you’ll naturally begin to slur your words, you won’t be as responsive as usual and you will undoubtedly crave your bed. If you need to fool someone in the house, this method will work best if you spend a lot of time walking to and from the bathroom, turning lights on and off, and coughing into your pillow as if attempting to muffle the sound.
Lose your voice
This method of how to make yourself sick involves putting a lot of strain on your vocal chords, again not recommended, eat spicy food, then cough repeatedly into a pillow, if you can no longer cough start screaming into the pillow (use this to dampen the sound), avoid drinking to much liquid, the idea is to strain your voice beyond its normal level.
- Get drunk
If you’re within legal drinking age, the most common cause of workplace sickness is the hangover, this method shouldn’t take too much describing, go out, drink more alcohol than you usually would, stay up later than you normally would. The common hangover shares many symptoms with colds and flu, like high temperature, vomiting, increased heartrate and headaches. If you plan to go in to work to be sent home ensure you mask the smell of alcohol on your breath with a combination of toothpaste, mouthwash, chewing gum and mints – though not necessarly at the same time.
- Induce vomiting
This is possilbly one of the safer methods of making yourself sick and it involves physically making yourself throw up, it’s easiest after you have drunk plenty of fluid, I’d recommend a minimum of two pints, stick with something still like water or milk, carbonated drinks could lead to complications, especially if the liquid escapes from your nasal passage. If it’s important that you are overheard wait for your target person, make a dash to the bathroom or outside, start coughing with you hand covering your mouth, then put your index and forefinger deep into the back of your throat move around in order to prompt your gag reflex, the liquid you recently drank will magically reappear. I wouldn’t do this more than once.
- Look very ill
Again this is a fairly safe method that can be combined with the lack of sleep, go in to work or school without doing your usual thorough morning hygiene routine, for the ladies leave the make up off and don’t brush your hair, for the fellas; don’t comb or add wax to your hair and don’t have a shave, either wear lots of clothes in the summer and claim you’re freezing or hardly any clothes in the winter and claim you’re burning up.
If you do spend the day off work or away from college or school make sure you don’t spend the day updating your Facebook profile or Tweeting about what you’re up to, don’t travel close to where you should be and if you go back the follwoing day remember not to be a picture of health!